When you come home you will find me drinking…
One of the hardest things I have had to come to terms with as a soul-having-a-human-experience is the idea of imperfection. Surely, if nothing else, this path means that I have the patience of a Zen monk and the ability to know right action at all times (I am psychic after all, surely I should see things coming?). But I don’t have all the answers, I don’t even have a quarter of the answers. And I am often left wondering how life could feel like this?
Yesterday, for example, I wanted to murder my own child at after-school karate. Well, maybe that’s a little strong. At the very least though, beat him. For a devotee of gentle parenting, and as someone who doesn’t believe in ever physically reprimanding a child, this is obviously a very strong reaction. I was mad. Very, very mad at an 8 year old boy, and all my spiritual wisdom and insight went out the window. It took an 18 year-old Sensei to reason with both him and me and somehow we made it through the class (alive).
My husband sent me a text message to check in and I replied, ‘When you come home you will find me drinking’. Not unreasonable, except I was not drinking for the fun of it. I was drinking out of sheer emotional exhaustion. And that is something I should be able to handle better, right? RIGHT?
Wrong. Sometimes, no matter your spiritual ‘credentials’ your human self is going to run the show and there is not a single thing you can do about it. Except for this.
FORGIVE. Forgive yourself. Don’t worry about anyone else. They’ll be ok. But if you don’t let yourself off the I’m-spiritual-and-should-know-better hook you’ll never move forward. Love is all there is, so the adage goes. I say forgiveness is all there is. Forgiveness is love-in-action. It is the method. Love is the means.
I forgive you, me, and I love you for your humanity. It makes you so much more soulful.